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TOM ROBERTSON: Rubeta lives in a white 1930s era rental house on a tree-lined boulevard in Park Rapids. Inside, what was once a large living room is now jam-packed with stuff, mounds of secondhand clothing, used furniture, knickknacks. Rubeta calls it the free store. She lets people come in day or night to take what they want, no charge. The free store is something of a penance for Rubeta.
SPEAKER 2: Helping people gets my focus off of me and my poor little self. But sometimes, it gets to be a real mess, like now.
TOM ROBERTSON: The mess could be a metaphor for Rubeta's life. She's 36 and has faced a number of drug-related charges. She's been in and out of treatment. For 12 years, Rubeta's been addicted to meth. The drug rotted away half her teeth. She has five kids, all with different fathers. And because of meth, Rubeta lost custody of all of them.
SPEAKER 2: I was addicted to a lifestyle that included using, buying, and selling drugs. OK, the kids are home, hide in the back room or whatever and go use. And then I come out and try to be a mom.
TOM ROBERTSON: Rubeta started using meth socially with her husband in the early '90s. When they divorced a few years later, she began dating a man who cooked his own meth. That's when her habit turned to obsession. She used meth during most of her pregnancies. She couldn't stop, even after authorities busted the meth lab in 1996.
SPEAKER 2: And when I was high, like coming off on a 2 or 3-day high, and I hadn't gotten any sleep. And I, all of a sudden, got this sense of reality that kicked in and go, you got to quit using. OK, I'm going to. And I was going to come down, and that'd be my last time. And then I'd sleep, and I'd get up, and just feel this overwhelming depression that I can't make my breakfast, I can't tie my shoes, I can't get in the shower. All I want to do is hide or sleep. And I was so depressed coming off that stuff. The only thing that make you feel better is more dope.
TOM ROBERTSON: Fortunately, none of the kids had any obvious health problems from their mother's drug use.
SPEAKER 2: Hi, Christa.
SPEAKER 3: Hey, mom. Guess what?
SPEAKER 2: What?
SPEAKER 3: At this one thing for the pep fest, you know? Jennifer, she took pictures of me and Carly.
SPEAKER 2: Really?
SPEAKER 3: Yeah.
SPEAKER 2: They're cool.
TOM ROBERTSON: Christa is in second grade. Her dad has legal custody of her. But lately, she's been spending more time with Rubeta. Christa's seen her mom at her worst. She's now one of Rubeta's biggest cheerleaders.
SPEAKER 3: She's been clean now and not doing drugs anymore, or not being confused, or forgetting about the time, forgetting about us.
TOM ROBERTSON: But not all of Rubeta's family members are as confident in her latest attempt at sobriety. Dina is Rubeta's mother. She lives in rural Park Rapids. Dina flips through a photo album filled with pictures of her grandkids. She helped raise some of the kids because of Rubeta's meth addiction.
SPEAKER 4: There's Megan. There's Henry Jacob. And this is Leah.
TOM ROBERTSON: It's hard for Dina to forgive Rubeta. She says her grandkids have suffered the most. Dina says, in a way, it feels like she's lost her daughter.
SPEAKER 4: When she's using meth, she's a complete different person. She gets angry at people, physically abusive towards people. It's like she's lost, lost some of those brain cells that gave her sensitivity. I think meth has taken something away permanently.
TOM ROBERTSON: Dina's relationship with Rubeta has been strained for years.
SPEAKER 4: For one thing, there's the trust. I have lost a lot of faith and trust in Rubeta. Because this is the fourth time now that she supposedly has been clean. She's not as clean as she says she is.
TOM ROBERTSON: Just a mile down the road lives another woman who helped raise Rubeta's children. Charlotte was her mother-in-law. She's grandmother to Henry, Rubeta's only son. For five years, Charlotte has had custody of Henry and Leah, Rubeta's oldest daughter. She keeps a file of the custody case, letters, court documents, social worker reports. They show a pattern of Rubeta's neglect and broken promises, forgotten birthdays, or times when she failed to show up for dance recitals or hockey games.
SPEAKER 5: There is no turning back the clock. There is no forgiving totally. There is no forgetting. I don't care. The hurt cannot be undone. I mean, I try as much as I can because of the kids. But I have to say, really deep down, I hate her. There is no question I hate her.
TOM ROBERTSON: 14-year-old Leah is thin, dark-haired, and fair-skinned. She seems a typical teenager. But she remembers a life that was far from typical. Leah remembers her mom staying awake for days at a time, then crashing into several days of deep sleep. The kids had to fend for themselves.
SPEAKER 6: You know, she's our mom and everything. But it seems like since she was off in her drug world and stuff, she never really had time to actually be a mom. She was more like, I don't know, kind of like the big sister. Sometimes, I actually felt like the mom because it seemed like I was taking care of my sisters more than she was.
TOM ROBERTSON: Children are being neglected or abandoned more and more because of meth. In a two-year period, 61 meth labs were busted in Hubbard County. But authorities say for every lab they find, there are probably 10 more out there. Meth has put pressure on the Hubbard County Jail too. At times, more than a third of the inmates are there on meth-related charges.
One of the prisoners is Rubeta's ex-boyfriend. His name is Bob. Bob is 40, but looks much older. He's got only nine teeth left. The rest were eaten away by meth. Eight years ago, meth grabbed hold of him and never let go.
SPEAKER 7: When you first try it, it's fun, it's exciting, it's exhilarating. This stuff's neat. It's also luring, and cunning, and sneaky, and hateful, and unforgiving, and relentless. It's a liar. Once you do meth, it is in control of you. You never control it. It'll ruin your life.
TOM ROBERTSON: Bob is the father of Rubeta's two-year-old daughter, Megan. He's raised Megan since she was seven weeks old. In February last year, Bob's house burned down from a meth-related fire. Bob says his brother ran a meth lab in a back bedroom, right next door to Megan's room. Bob and Megan barely escaped the blaze. This month, he pleaded guilty to a meth-related charge.
SPEAKER 7: I'm on my way to jail for seven years. I'm gonna be away from my little girl. And that hurts. All I wanted, when I had this kid, all I wanted to do is be a good dad.
TOM ROBERTSON: Like so many addicts before her, Rubeta has found religion. She runs Narcotics Anonymous meetings in this church. Rubeta says she'd be dead without God.
SPEAKER 2: So I've come up here all times, day and night. I've just laid right on the altar before. I just said, God, just tell me what to do because I'm lost.
TOM ROBERTSON: Rubeta was once a hardcore rock n roller. Now she's taken to writing Christian songs on the church's baby grand. Rubeta says she's been clean, more or less, for about a year. She still fights the drug's effects. Now, Rubeta wants custody of at least some of her children. But she'll face a fight. Some in her family say, for the kids, that's the worst thing that could happen. I'm Tom Robertson, Minnesota Public Radio, Bemidji.
[MUSIC PLAYING]