I'm delighted to be here for a number of reasons one is I got to see the North country of Minnesota before I came here a second of all, I've been here before to the Twin Cities and I have never seen or met so many nice people who seem to be so concerned about their Community. It has always triggered my old Community activist feelings to come here and think that such a community such a region exists in the country still working hard corporation's business world and Community activist doing so much. So I'm delighted to be a part of all of this. I would like to say out with a few ground rules different from Cicero whose remarks I enjoyed. First of all don't even think of interrupting me and second of all, I'm not even sure I want one of your questions. So unless you can be kind and if you can't be kind I don't want your questions really I don't care if you clarify what I say or anything, so no big deal to me that you get an answer for your question. So if you if you come on too heavy with me, I'll just cry.Because I don't need it. You know, I you don't scare me. So. I want to talk about risk taking risk taking as a component of leadership and the necessity for risk-taking the way the reason I want to talk about risk taking and Leadership is because it seems to me the risk taking now at this stage in. My life is a 43-year Old Stage I say as risk-taking really the means by which we know ourselves and I don't know about you but I am finding that that whole business about an unexamined life is not worth living is true for me. I don't know what motivates me I could go back. We all can have you know, was it because our parents were uneducated is it because they wanted us to go beyond is because we felt discrimination when we were younger is it because there was some drive there whatever reason it was we get motivated and we always and when we get motivated to be leaders, we always want to know why we're doing things. I find the risk-taking is the shortest and most painful way to know yourself, but I find that the alternative is not even alternative. You must continue to know yourself and risk-taking is To do it for me and I'm always I'm not always but I'm now trying to talk about this more to get more people to join me in the risk in the adventure. The question is how do you know if you're a leader? Well, I would think that you would know you were a leader if you had that feeling that I did this morning which comes out like this. Why did I say yes to this. Why am I doing this who needed to come all the way the hell out here to Minnesota haven't got enough to do I have to come out here and have to do this gospel thing. Again. It's every time you said you say why did I get involved in this one? I let Harry do it. Why couldn't I let Madeline do it why this time do I have to get up? Oh, no and you sit and you sit and you wait at a door and you wonder will anyone show up. Will anyone come this time? Why couldn't I said home your husband said hey, why don't you sit home once in a while? Why don't you let Betty do it? How come you're always doing it? If you get those questions all the time your later, that's the sign leaders say why the hell am I doing this that you're a leader now, if you know about leadership, you know, of course that leadership is its own reward. Most people think virtue is its own reward, but I frankly find virtue boring leadership is its own reward it is you're going to continue to do it. What I'd like to tell you is the way I have stopped asking myself that question. I used to spend so much time saying why am I doing this? I've got so much to do. Why can't I let someone else do it? Well, I've finally discovered what it is and I'd love to share this Insight with you. I find that leadership is genetic. It's in the genes. That's what I discover. It's just genetic there's nothing I can do about it. So I'm just going to have to get on with it. See now. I find my peace that way so I don't have to spend a lot of time wondering why I do these things and waste all that energy trying to figure out why it is totally genetic. If you buy that deer as much a fool as I am, but it helps to think that it's just genetic you can't fight it. That's the way it is. Good. Now we all agree that leadership is genetic now, let's get on with our leadership problems. There are many ways to leadership. I thought as a woman growing up that the only way I could lead was to be elected to a leadership position. Most women still I think find that so people say to a lot of people G is integrated Geri Ferraro is out for are always out there. Why don't you go out on jew-run? I was in state government serving in a point of office, which is a new thing. I discovered that there were a point of leadership positions and I watched an elective leader and I decided that I did not want elective leadership and that I was very happy in a point of office. But what I didn't realize was able to put words to it As I Grew Older is there's a whole other world and the whole other world is self appointment and that's really where I'm comfortable. I am a self-appointed leader. I realize now, you know, I didn't know it at the time when I was in grade school and in high school and college, but if I didn't like the way something was going I just said well had the heck with that I'll do it. I'll do it the way I want to do it and I would simply self a point. I'm in charge of this program and I've got three people who believed in me. And so we're going to appear before the student government to talk about my new student union program in Beaumont. And I always waited all through my life from the time. I was in high school college and through my young professional years for someone to say just a darn minute here Jenny who appointed you who said you could and you know, no one ever said that you know, no one ever said that to me every time I started a new organization every time I started something that had been done before no one ever questioned myself appointment. I always feel those power vacuums, you know about power vacuums. Don't you, you know about leadership vacuum's at the same thing with something leaders are not motivated by what's their like Mount Everest it's not because it was theirs because it wasn't there. There are things that just aren't there. They're not in place. And how do you take care of them? Do you wait to say? Well, we've got to get the organization to do this this and this forget it do it yourself, but I don't mean do it yourself. I mean self appoint yourself. I mean say that I will take the leadership and responsibility to do this because it needs to be done and then do what leaders do is to build the base behind you. So when you think about leadership positions we talking to young people who were talking to your colleagues talking about elective office appointed office and self appointment. The trouble is a wig is so tied into structures that we think the only place that we can do anything is within our existing structures and that's just not so let's not at all to this day this time. Sometimes I just play the game. We just tested something needs to be done. Gee, you know what we really need to do. We if we could only well let's do it. Oh we can't do that because why not I'll do it. I'll get us all together and we'll do it. Okay, Jenny if you take the lead. Okay, we'll do it. Everyone will because you see everyone feels it feels a certain amount of powerlessness, which I want to talk about which Cicero does exist, but it doesn't have to all the time. It can be changed. That's the difference. So anyway leadership has all of these different roles its genetic let's get on with okay. How do I view the world and in terms of leadership? I know that I'm never going to get reinforced in leadership. I know that it really is its own reward. I know that I can't expect people to say gee whiz. Thanks junior did a hell of a job. We couldn't have done it without you. You've made our community better. Why would love to hear that? You would too. How many times do you get it? But I exist knowing that there are a lot of people out there who aren't happy with their lives. They cannot thank me. They cannot even acknowledge it. In fact, they have to cut me down all the time. Here's my view of the world. I see some big pie graph and I see ten percent leaders in any given group except this group. You're all leaders 10% of Any Given group our leaders. They just have to be its genetic. I see a huge 80% of a group that I call powerless. The editorial writers are wrong, you know, there was right in high schools college and real live newspapers that the electorate is a pathetic. Oh, I don't think it's apathy at all. Well, I just think people feel powerless powerless to affect their world power less effectively to affect their lives. I think they're just in Earth. They can't move because I just don't think they can do anything. I think they can be changed. However, we'll get on with that. So 80% I see is powerless just feeling that ineffectual and then I see 10% that are totally negative totally negative and they're The Killers. They're the ones that almost can get you down. If you don't understand that they cannot that there is genetically inspired as you are. You cannot change them. That's what I have to I'll bring them along. I'll do everything. I'll modify else I'll wheel. I'll do anything. I can bring him along. I know I can I know I can save his soul I can't do it. I can't do it for any of the reasons for the same reasons that he can't stop me from doing what I've got to do. And him or her those who do that. They're the ones who say to you. So who asked you to do it anyway. Hey, but, I mean look we've got this new community center because we all look at you know, if you ask me, you know, what's done is the traffic jam is really rotten memories to go through this town really know he had a big traffic jam the kids. Are there after school smoking on the corner me but look at what it's done for look at who needs a we used to have all that stuff before. Hey harry. How about we do this? I we did that five years ago doesn't work. But what if we it doesn't work, but would you know, I don't want any part of it here. Look I did it. Yeah, but doesn't work, right. You can't get them. You can't get them. Why can't you get em, well, there are psychologists in the group. You tell me why you can't get them basic insecurities not happy about themselves not getting any reinforcement themselves. How can you give it if you don't get it? So the reinforcement businesses should be a part of our everyday life we ought to be giving that reinforcement, but can we all depends each day and how much we get from home how much we take get from the office how much we can give this guy gets nothing. You cannot give it to me cannot say acknowledge what you've done much less. Thank you. But in order for me to survive for my psyche to be happy, I have got to realize it. I ain't going to change him and he's not going to change me. Now the battle in life it seems to me is how do us 10% leaders outweigh those 10% negatives. How do we move that powerless group? I think there are ways specific ways to move people who feel powerless. Obviously one is to get them involved. Well, how do you get them involved? Hey, you should come and join us on this project. I can't do that. Oh, come on, you really like it now? I can't do that. Yeah, but I mean we all get to I don't want to do it and you give up. Okay, I guess I can't get Sally involved in this I have found the hook to getting a lot of people involved for me. These are my theories you can do with them what you want, but they work for me what I have found through a some examples way back when and one of my many careers one of my many brilliant careers. I was a high school history teacher and student advisor kind of thing this casual I student visor and what the kids would do and I'm sure they do it in high school still today. Do you as my private here at the time? It was we can't get anyone to run for office. We can't get him into running for senior class president our student body president and I would say to them. Well, who do you think should and they'd say well but do best candidates would be Bill and Anne. Well, why would they be well because you know Bill organized that book drive and he was terrific and he did any any is organizational skills and he got the whole Community involved and we brought in all that. We're all his books. Everybody get involved got a lot of money even got press added to a little school spirit. I said, have you ever why do you think Sally or and would be well, I understand she did the junior prom you remember in how she get more people involved we ever had before and was a best and she's artistic and creative and she's all this and she's all that I said, did you ever That is it. Well, no, I never told him that I didn't you better. You never told your outstanding classmates those things. Well, it's not too late. Let's do a blitz. Everybody wants specific feedback. Everybody wants to know what they do. Well, so let's get three people each for each candidate and let's triple team them you get that Prime you go to Bill and you do it and then to get to other people do and say Billy want you to run for senior class president student body president because you have this skill this skill this Skillet did this this and this it helped us. You're the kind of person we need you give them specific feedback about what they did what they can identify with so that they see that what they are is important what they have done was constructive and that they have the kinds of skills and Leadership qualities that we need to run our offices. Now that's what we ought to be doing all the time to people we ought to first of all ideally course is tell people what they do. Well specific feedback is I mean that's such a buzz term but it really is so significant even to the point of telling people about you're talking to your kids talking to your husbands wives lovers. It's not enough anymore to say I love you. How why I want to know why I love you. That's BS. What does that mean? I want to know specific feedback Ramona why I'm terrific what makes me better than everybody else in the world. Everyone wants to know why they're special and it's a hook my God. Is it a hook to motivate its heart. It's almost irresistible, isn't it? Can you imagine being triple-team by three people in the Twin Cities who have told you what a terrific job you did in some project why exactly why you were so good and gave you four or five examples of why you're so good. Can you imagine three people doing that to you and still saying? No, I won't do it. It's a it is irresistible to be told how good you are. If you want to get people to run for office, if you want to get people involved with you who feel powerless, you begin to tell them what they have. That's good that will help the project that you're on that specific feedback is really an effort easyacc. Once you start doing that by the way, you should do that all the time in your daily life. We should all be doing that. You should always as a leader set the goals. That's probably first, you know, the difference between leaders and managers and the leader sees the vision set the goals and then see how they specifically are the people for your goals get them involved in then give them the support. When you knowledge of Gotham's say well, maybe I'll consider sharing that task force. Then you say look at if you'll do that. I will support you in your leadership role. I will do you know what I you know that I can be helpful. I'll help you. Number two way to really get them to come on board to get people involved. And of course once you have a success experience, it's really hard to go back to feeling powerless. The more success experiences the more risk you take of course the less fearful you are so there's a way to move those powerless people. The point is is not to struggle anymore with the naysayers give them up go for the 80% who could be and help them to be Now the reason part of all of this gryska needs to be taken is the first of the mythologies I want to talk about now of there are so many there are so many old sayings that we have and Things We believe that keep us from being all were capable of being all that leaders should be free leaders should be Fearless. The mythology about happiness and fear is the first one that I've discovered in the world despite historic tradition and precedent, you know that business about people are motivated by the pursuit of happiness. I don't really believe that do you really believe that we are motivated the pursuit of happiness? I think more realistically we are votive ated by The Escape From Fear. I find that people make a lot of decisions based on fear fear of not being the best fear of not being the best wife husband tennis player manager leader. And the major fear, I think which motivates us from the time we're 40 on is a fear of being alone in the end. I think that fear is is oppressive. I finally risk-taking helps to eliminate some of those fears and we'll talk about that more. But if you want to get rid of some of the fears, you've got to get rid of these mythologies. First of all, I'm going to talk about personal and professional lives first professionally because we are always thinking about our lives as As Leaders as people in our jobs. Our careers they're always a part of our thoughts and to deny a discussion and careers is to deny a very major part of us in our motivation. So I'll been careers in and out of all of this the first mythology I think is that is that term? You can't teach an old dog new tricks. I mean isn't that just a ridiculous thing? You can't as if as you know, people say, oh, I'm 45 now. I don't know if I can do that anymore Sam. I don't think I can make those kinds of changes or hey, I'm not that kind of a person. I can't really well. That's just foolishness. That's absolute foolishness. We are as adaptable as any animal ever put on this Earth. We can change all the time. All we have to do is know we want to change and we can grow all the time and we can learn new jobs and new skills all the time. And if we don't it gets real boring and dull and we turn into people we really don't like the second big one that Coral is that's a corollary with that really is the question we asked so it's sort of the most it's one of the most limiting of all the questions. We asked it of children of ourselves. As soon as we are old enough for is a soon as a child is old enough to make a sentence or are our answer in any completed form. We ask the child. Guess what? We ask what do you want to be when you grow up? We ask all children. We can really say. Oh, I can't wait to see what I'm going to be when I grow up. We use that term all the time. It is filled with terrible. Terrible assumptions to Maine is erroneous assumptions. It's so stultifying when we think about the rest of our lives. Number one the Assumption it's erroneous is that there is one thing that we will be and one point at which we grow up. The question has to be thrown out immediately never ask it again of your children. I propose a different question. The question is what are some of all the things you'd like to do as you grow older. Some of all the things how many undergraduates do you know who are sitting on campuses right this morning? Wondering what am I going to do after this? I don't know what my major is how many graduate students do you know sitting there thinking? Oh, I don't know what I'm going to do. I'm not sure yet. I'm in graduate school in Psychology. But I was that really what I want. How many people do you know going back for mbas going back for this degree? Maybe the PHD will do it. Yes, surely. I'll know what I want to be. If I get my PhD then they are there. They are in the bank training program two years three years old. Is this what I want this what I would maybe this is I would surely if I just hang in here. This will be what I want to be that's because we are trying to answer a question that is wrong. It is not one thing that we're going to be. All you got to do is to make the first decision the first step. What do I want to do for the first two years? That's all Do I have to make a choice between being a math major and I liked or an engineer and what about my rock music? Yeah, so be an engineer. Did he get a little money two or three years then go be your rock star that we have choices. If you look at the job tiles in your readings. You see what the future is. You see that there are many things. We are not the same world that we used to be. We will change jobs and careers all the time two years four years six years many different jobs. And every time that we are we are totally traumatized by trying to say what one thing are. We going to be we have to throw out that thinking completely this is a new world. You just got to thank you those undergraduates. Just gotta think about what do I do first? That's all what I want to do first. They don't have to throw out all the other applications and interest they have to do is decide first first two years four years next three years four years next six years next because because the biggest factor in all of our worlds right now is the demographic data that says, I'm going to live to 78 years old. 78 43. I got 35 more years how absurd to think of 21. I will go in one job in last 50 years and their one job, but that's just insane. You know, that's not going to happen anymore these days. So let's throw out the question. What do you want to be? Let's think about all the things Step 1 Step 2 Step 3. We're going to be moving a lot in our jobs geographically. So get on with it stop style defying your whole life. It just drives you crazy trying to think. What do I want? Just think what do I want to do? Next is all There are different career paths, you know, everyone thinks that careers we have this old traditional thinking careers ago ago seems zip linearly straight out and up. That's okay for some people I happen to be one of those people I happen to be a person who's found. You know, what I was I do things and I find out what I did the time I say are you doing now then after I say, oh, that's what that's called. Now. I realize I'm going to spiral career path. There are some of us who just are spiral career has we go this job and then we can offer to go this all that sounds terrific. Then we go. That's even better. Hey and we go around and around and somebody says, where are you going with this crazy career of years and as I don't know me, well, where do you want to be five years on five years from now. I think I stopped making these fabulous office. I have got to sit down plan my career, you know, forget it that I'm successful in some way. I'm making lots of money and I must plan my career. I mean, obviously there's some values that are screwed up there. My career is what I'm doing. My career does not have a definition by traditional terms. All I know is the process the process seems to be spiral. I pick a few skills here few skills here. Bring them together next job around around around now do my a my farther back from the guy in the bank. The woman in the bank has been the bank for ten years and I've done 10 years of this and heshes on that 10 years of that. Am I well I bet I think I compete the fairly. Well, I have a whole lot of different skills. I have a different perspective. They know in-depth much more about the banking industry. They know much more about Personnel. They know the Power Systems there but I am by doing this have had to become so adaptable. I have had so many diverse experiences in management and subordination that I can adjust very easily to a job at that level. Not that either one is better than the other but there are alternatives. We should be much more creative in our thinking that's part of what I'm pressing for in all of this right now when I'm thinking what I'm thinking through now is our incredible need to be much more creative about our approach to our lives and our careers. That's why there is taking is necessary to so there are spiral career paths as well as linear, so we should throw out. What do you want to be when you grow up sometimes, you know when your jobs You know as you can't be a prophet in your own land ever found that to be true somebody outside the system will think you're just fabulous and inside and your office. They think your Lackey, you know, don't they know who I am? Sometimes just got to go got to go outside. So they perceive you differently. I have found it interesting in all of my careers. There's this part of me. There's this part of me that you read about and then this part of me who gets asked for whatever reasons. I don't think the bottom of the barrel for speakers. I get asked to go around the country and I give some key notes two groups of males and females bankers and Physicians and what I like to talk about my thoughts on careers leadership personal lives balancing that kind of thing. In any job I've ever had no one has ever asked me to do any of that. They'll say Julie. I was in Wilmington Delaware and they told me you talked to the bankers in Wilmington Delaware are you doing oh I said that's just something you know, I've been doing that for years. It's sort of a it's an avocation as a part of me that's sort of a you know, frustrated leader type and I do that kind of thing. I mean, I'm a we hire people for lots of money to do our conferences. How come we haven't I mean, why don't we use you and I just smiled say well, yeah, you do that sometime. It's never happened and never will this is Jimmy. She's it's over there in the office over there and she runs out the program and develops it and then there's this other person out here. We often people do not perceive us in our work roles. Well who we are I have occasionally in our community roles. And that's a part of you know, look for that either. I don't see that as any great loss doesn't bother me, but you should be aware of that. But the point of it is is maybe sometimes by literally moving your job going away from the organization taking a job somewhere else. You can not only move and be perceived differently from your old job, but you'll come in at a higher level salary wise to it's interesting. These old jumps shouldn't be afraid to take those kinds of risks. Otherwise, you just go forever this way. Sometimes you just short-circuited and come up here. I've seen that happen many times. It's also part of investing in yourself. I've noticed In terms of the stock market if I were betting on a stock, what would I learn? I would learn everything about price earnings ratio. I'd learn whatever background I learned about the management. I learned about strategic planning. I'd look at its I'd look at his history and I decide whether or not I should put my money on that stock. Is there any stock or commodity that you know better than yourself? If you think that you could increase your earning Power by 25 or 50 percent in a year or two, why wouldn't you invest in yourself as a commodity as much as you would a stock? Because that's what can happen. Sometimes when you make a move out. I recently did a zoom zoom zoom, which I've never done that kind of thing before not increase my earning Power by an incredible amount of incredible astounding I mean, I wasn't doing badly before but by making a move out of And being noticed by another group. I got moved back in to a different role and had made two moves and increased earning Power by fairly healthy percentage. Now, I look back and I say now how did that happen? And I realized that what I did is I took some risks and what I really was doing was investing in myself as a commodity. I got a much better return on me than I did the stocks. I bought a year ago. I'll tell you. So there's a whole new thought and investing in yourself means if I feel I need a course do you my education is complete except I really should have a course in accounting invest in yourself give yourself that course in accounting. You have to planning major programs. You have to go back to graduate school. I have to what are you know yourself? What are the holes? What are the needs that you have invest in it? Put your money on yourself? Because your earning power could be greatly enhanced and you would get you will perform better than most stocks. So see yourself as a commodity to if you need a different set of clothes, you're moving up into a different level. You got to look good because yeah, but I don't want to buy into that. Hey, look it I'm a good person. I perform well on a job. I don't care about what I look like, it's okay, you fight the system go ahead. But you have to remember how many people perceive you I how you look how you talk how you move what your desks looks like, you know, we play the game so we will have to make accommodations. So invest in yourself, I want to say one other thing about jobs and that is another mythology is and it leads to frustration and fears to and that is that one we look for one job to be all things to us. We look for our job to be all things. We think that we are hired because of course we are so creative and so productive and such good managers and we expect that in every job. Somebody will come in and say Peggy we need you today because the directors are coming in tomorrow and Harry says we need the best creative thinker here. We need a real problem solver. We need you real fast starting creative manager or somebody who really sees the whole picture big picture person yet who has a whole micro perspective to and of course the whole company. You're the one of course you say I knew they'd call this one the hire me Chris has anybody ever come to you with that? I've nobody ever said Jenny we need you for this because you're such a great Problem Solver. I'd love to see myself as a problem solver. Does anybody call me for that? Ultimate never I mean never. We say I wish they'd use me better. I wish they'd use my talents better. We sit waiting to be called and they say did you know something just happened? What why wasn't I involved? How can they make a decision without me? They don't appreciate me here. See they just don't even know I exist here. Did you think you were alone? Did you think that it was different somewhere else? We all have those days we all feel unappreciated. We all feel that there's no outlet for our leadership for our talent for our creativity for our imagination who are good solid practical skills for our design ability any of those things. We think we're not appreciated. That's because we're looking for too much. I think sometimes it's terrific if you get a job that is so fulfilling and of course the closer you get to the top the more fulfilling your job can be But I think that we I think we set ourselves up for frustration. When we think that our job will be all things to us. I think that there's an alternative to it too. And what I've learned is if I if the leadership Gene isn't coming out in me and my job I go outside I go outside my jobs have come through my avocations. That's the other reason why I would go outside. I always have a vacations. I'm always doing something on the side. I lead wherever I need to lead. I joined an organization. I create an organization because I know it's not coming from my job. And if I look for my job for all things, I'm going to be daily frustrated. Why instead don't I just find something else that I find fulfilling that calls upon the other talents that aren't drawn Upon A my job. And besides that you get a lot of jobs from your applications. So many times the things I have done in community work in other organizations and political action. I meet people there those are the people who say If you want someone for that position called unique or see in the comes so often that that a vocation is so important. That's what you all are involved in you're here because of your applications, not your vocation necessarily those applicational interests are so important to the development of us and our in our psychic well-being. So don't think that a navigational gee I wish I hadn't got myself involved in this maybe of terrific outlet for you that you wouldn't that you won't ever get from your job. So that idea that the job will be all things to you wrong. The grass is greener on the other side and other jobs, and I don't think so. I don't think there are any great perfect jobs is a corollary. That's a little bit more frightening to some which I'll get to later. That's a personal one about people being all things to you. Personally now, let's talk a bit about some mythologies. It always astounded me. Because we learned early on that. No two snowflakes were alike. I always did wonder about these scientific database for that. How do you scientists out there? How do we know that? No, two snowflakes are alike someday tell me okay, I won't but no two snowflakes are alike is basically how I began my teaching career. I learned from kids with no help from ever any education course that they made me take God weren't those awful. I learned that the important thing was individual differences. I learned from myself that it wasn't the kid had to be the best. All you had to do was Let each kid know that he or she was unique Wasn't hard for me to extrapolate As I Grew Older to realize that that's how we all like to be treated. It. Isn't that we're going to be the best it is. It isn't that we've got to compete to be the best. It's that look at nobody is going to be me. I know my own uniqueness. I know that you and I can do the job both of us when we compete for it. I know you'll do it. Well, so will I it's not going to matter that you're the best you got the job. You said your characteristics or something. They wanted that I didn't have but I also know that I've got things that you don't have and somehow that fills some little vessel of inner peace that we need filled but this know this individual difference perspective, everyone of you is special in all the world was the message that I tried to get across to my kids through some content area. And that's how we were supposed to feel and did you notice however, when it came to relationships that the world said now throw away all that garbage about no two snowflakes are alike all of you snowflakes. If you're going to get married or have relationships, they must all look exactly like this all relationships all marriages. Look just like the forget that garbage about individual differences. Everybody knows that a good marriage looks like this how absurd and I haven't we just done it though. Haven't we bought that bill of goods and spent the rest our married lives our lives and relationships thing on what's wrong what's wrong with my marriage? I mean everybody knows that we're supposed to be so we're supposed to have such good communication. We're not communicating. Oh my God, something's wrong with our marriage. All marriage is supposed to look alike in a ridiculous thing. I wonder where we all buy that bill of goods and we were so afraid when it doesn't look like everybody else's marriage. Well, look at throw that garbage out my God, isn't that frightening that we all try to make our marriages look like the perfect marriage. Could you imagine me trying to look like You me immediately trying to look like anyone of you. You look like me. I mean we can't do that if we accept the difference, but we don't in relationships. That is a source to me. I think of great frustration great fears great anxieties. Aye-Aye. Just find that the frustration of relationships and understanding them is extremely important something to be talked about. I'll get into marriage and different styles. This is the point where we need to talk about boy-girl differences. There are differences. I don't sure you're aware. There are definitely differences. It's not a scary area for me to talk about it all it's something we have to understand we talked about we talked about this in management workshops all the time about male female characteristics and differences. I think one of the hardest things today is male managers dealing with females is my new insight, which I want to share with you here. You can tell me after I will take questions on this way. You think it's nonsense or not. I was trying to understand when somebody said to me Jenny all the trouble is it you women don't have any sense of humor though. You are really boring to work with because you just won't lighten up and I want to say well that's just not true. Well, that's just not true. It's just not true. I found myself hedging and wanting to say well, you know, I guess maybe it yeah, I guess this true. Yes, it is true. You know, it's not true. Yes it is. I guess we are different. Well, I tried to think instead of just seating to that all the time of why that might be so and once again, I pulled on the tremendous database that I have in my own life. I remembered when I was a little girl and my mother would parade me out when the ants were there and all and I had learned as a cute things and I am mother would bring me out it and she'd say blah blah blah and Jenny would do her response and and the aunties would also reason she quick isn't that cute isn't she quick how cute so I learned how to say cute Snappy little things and I got reinforced it was good and I sense of humor and I was quick all of us still girls are because we were perfect, you know, and so we so I did that well, then I got About 13 or 14 and my mother would say something like Jenny. Would you take the garbage out and I'd say let my brother walk out by himself. Do you think don't be flip with me young lady? Don't be flip with me though. Don't start with me. You know Mozart don't start. I don't want to don't be flip with me. So I got every time I said something I thought was pretty Snappy. She said don't you start with me young lady? You don't you be flip-top that mouth. Well, my brother had a mouth, you know, and she just always cut it out Chuck but met with don't you don't you end up so then I got to be that 1819 in college and I'm sitting in a car maybe with some big hunk who plays football and he says something like why do we have pizza tonight? And I'd say something like oh another night of oat Cuisine a and he'd say, you know, Jenny nobody likes a smartass. Nobody likes a smartass. I realized then that no man ever had said to me Jenny. I appreciate your sense of humor or Jenny. I think you're funny or jinni. That was funny. I realized that it was not appreciated and a my theory is that we women get conditioned out of that. We learned at an early age was not cute and it was not appreciated by the men that we wanted in our lives. So we learned. Okay cool. Let stuff cool that humor stuff. We use humor with our girlfriends. We don't use a ruler boyfriend's we do not do that that was threatening in some way. So just as we fear success in ways and we won't go into that whole theoretical base, but I think we got conditioned out of humor. I'd be interested think if you if that happened to any of you but anyway, so there's another conditioning. I think that happens it makes male female difference as boys didn't What is it? I also think the team sports thing was a major difference. I think that is impacted Our Lives incredibly I think and I'm sorry that we girls did not have the opportunities for the reasons why it's so difficult now in our offices in team sports. Boys had an opportunity from my perspective of failing failing big and failing publicly. They had an opportunity God forbid for public humiliation the worst that could happen and they survived they survive they go out there and somebody would miss the pass at all their teammates with gel you jerk you Butterfingers. I'll let you do that yet done. You're going to he would yell worst things and the cultures they are mucking in here and they come in every turn around and then next thing, you know asses we're getting patted. Boom. Boom. Get out there playing off-key when any recruit that he made the foul shot. He got the foul. He caught the pass. He it was OK the game was over and next week. He was going to screw up again and he was going to go back in and do okay I guess and he got used to it. He got a chance. You got a chance to try you got a chance to fail you realize that every time he failed he was not going to be ostracized. You got it, but but he had the opportunity and boys, you know all different kinds of boys competed in athletics. It had something for everyone the cross country Runner is different from the football player. Usually the tennis players different from the wrestler for every personality type. There was an outlet Beyond academics where a boy could succeed or fail but he got a chance to fail we women there was one way that we had to succeed. We could win incredible peer approval by being hurt by being a cheerleader. Of course, you know the incredible intellectual stimulation from that and our Are we excelled academically because we were expected to we have had to be perfect young ladies way to work very very very hard to be very very very good students. And that was what we did now working very very hard academically. You understand is the extreme opposite of being a team member we had to excel in order to excel we had to admit it was that we were in a world of our own studying very hard to be outstandingly excellent in our own special way. We did not know how to share we did not know how to make someone look good. We did not know how to come together to stop and throw the pass so he could make a layup I've crossed perfect young ladies grow up to be freely. Obnoxious young managers. Let me tell you why because we wanted to be right all the time. You always had to be perfect and oh and it carries on so we're sitting in a meeting. And our boss is sitting next to us and there's Harry the boss and Bill the colleague and me, you know, maybe number three they weren't a meeting and maybe a some other big he's out there and Harry says well, I suppose I see we're going to have about a 10,000 dollar shortfall on this 10 million dollar shortfall of this quarter and and I say Harry no Harry. That's 13. Well as I say we had about 10K, it's your fault that your end. No, mr. With K. That will be 13. I don't numbers and will be 13. Right right Gladys. Yeah, okay. Okay. All right. I'm walking along and we move right along now. Now afterward the thing of it is is Gladys you want to plateaus who the hell cares don't try to stand that I didn't want to say that in front of me. Could you have told me that afterward? Could you give you the information before could you not try to catch me? So glad is what she's trying to be perfect. She's just doing what you always did. She's trying to do a good job. She wants a fax to be right. She wanted you to be right. She wants everybody understand that it's right and she wants to show how good she is ha ha. It's 13/10. Don't just do it for them. Stop it out. What all the time probably why you always have to be so perfect. You want to say now Bill if you were in charge there and here he said that same thing. He wouldn't say anything good come out afterward Bill say here. He kind of screwed up on that was really 10:15 and you were talking about, you know, made a mistake of 5,000 are 50,000 where he said? Yeah. I know that bill, but thanks not for do anything. I ain't no problem you cover my ass. Next time did the world stopped and Because of a mistake made in a meeting now, it didn't stop and because of all the billing area understand you. Okay, I'll cover you this time. It's no big deal. We'll take care of that. We look after each other playing Team ball. Now we women have to learn and that is so hard with the learn to love ourselves make mistakes because we learn from them and not be so perfect. It is our Perfection that drives everyone crazy it dries it dries each other. Crazy O'Hare did we go to see when Tuesday didn't we do shop without? No Ed launch on Tuesday was wealthy because we had a special the supermarket know I think was Tuesday because remember how long is going to join us, but she couldn't join us. No, no, no. No. No, I had the pie and the ice cream you had the No No, but remember you had the other drink. Oh, yes. All right. I have the other break. Okay, so yours is 250 miles of You know anyone in the men get angry with us and we get angry with ourselves real axe women. That's all agree. We will could we all stop trying to be so perfect. So anyway, that's part of how the conditioning process it's not our fault. It's not our fault and I'm saying that it was tough on me and I'm not going into the tough roles for men of having to perform all the time. But I'm just trying to say a help understanding when we get in these offices how we bring our youthful experiences to it. All the worst thing of all is our crying. I mean that if I find a terrible thing I want to talk about that right now. I'm going to take 30 seconds on crying. I am a crier it is the albatross around my neck my whole life. I am a crier. I don't know why I'm a cry. I cry when I get mad. I cry when I feel about something I cry when I'm sad, but I'm not that so much. I cry when I'm feeling that something drives me crazy drive me crazy because I'll go in and some people say no, I don't think we should do it that way. Look, we've got to do don't understand. You just can't do this kind of thing. Again. You have got to take your stain. You've got to stand up for you know, what are you getting so emotional about So the crying no, I'm not crying. I'm not crying Jimmy. You're crying. What are you trying to use your tears to make your point? I don't know some of us cry. It also came with the jeans. It just it happens. It is as uncontrollable and as awful for us as it is for you for you male managers know that it's the last thing we want to happen. It's mortifying for us, but we're never trained not to do that is little girls and we grow up in these tears are just right close to our mouths and out it comes true. All I want to say is try not to pay any attention to that try go on and say, okay. Look, I understand you care about this, but don't say are you oh I look at look. If you want to go back and collect yourself and come on back in Mary if I don't collect myself. But I mean look at your really getting out of control. I didn't mean to hurt you. You're not hurting me. But I mean a walk, okay. Okay. Okay. Look I'll stop we'll talk about it. No, I want to talk to you can't see we don't understand why you just gotta let us cry. We're going to get it over with we don't want it. It's publicly embarrassing. It's mortifying. I could give you an analogy. I figured this out the other day of an analogy for all males to understand. That some point in male lives. I think there are points when something happens emotional reaction that you cannot control. It is publicly mortifying it is awful is embarrassing you wish it would go away but it happens. That's what happens with tears. You'll figure out later tonight what I was just telling you as an analogy, isn't it? I mean, it is an analogy. It's the only way I can have you understand what all right here. It's mortifying but we do it anyway, so so try not try not to deal with us crying. Okay. I want to move on to the heavy things. How are we doing here? That business about being afraid doesn't about fearing being alone in the end. I think it makes us make very strange decisions. I think by risking we can find that it is easier that there is some peace inside. I think that the problems we face today and problems. I see them are all you young professionals trying to decide whether or not you should have babies. All the older people wondering are they going to be alone in the end? All the estranged teenagers and estranged gray hairs and yet no one is out there doing anything to create a different future if I could do it again. Oh, I won't do it again. I'll just do it later. The next thing I'm going to do after whatever I do. Next is going to be I'm going to call myself a social architect and I'm going to build the configurations. That I think will work for the future to get Beyond this mindset of all relationships look alike. I am going to I've decided that the world is now remember how we used to think the world is motivated or in Conflict head and heart Apollo. Dionysius constantly battle. Shell I shan't I how do I feel how do I think I think we are determined Now by heads hearts and Century 21, I think real estate is determining our Behavior. We are building configurations that keep us in the same traditional old ways when nothing is working the same way. I would build a high-rise apartment in Manhattan. If it were Manhattan out here, I could be a lot easier to build of young professionals the to the question that that young professionals ask is who's going to get up for the feeding on Sunday night when we both have presentations on Monday morning. It's the wrong question. Neither of you is because you have someone else there to do it because you live in a communal group so that you can all share parenting because we want that extended family again. Why do we fight? What seems so natural and will work so well, we need to live in extended families again for a while. It makes all the sense in the world. Doesn't it child care we need so that Harriet gets up on Sunday night. She has your baby because she's not Work that day. She has your baby that night. You don't have to figure it out. You don't always have to look for child care and awful awful expenses. And who's the right person you bring the child care person in I'd build a high-rise in New York for for young professionals. I'd have studio apartments there. They would subsidize and I would have all the estranged gray-haired ladies and men who love children. I would have all the college students from Columbia Who Loved children and who need a place to stay and I would have my daycare center inside that building also and all of us would share and I would have mrs. And mrs. Hilliard take care of my baby on Sunday night. So I don't have to get up that night. I would had Jamie who goes and international studies in Colombia. Take care because he loves children kids love college kids aged kids. I would build something we'd all share parenting for a while and I kids would have an extended family how wonderful instead of these two parents were having her off in different directions a daycare person a child care person comes in and I had a nanny whatever all this bifurcated life all the time couldn't we just live in groups at certain periods of our life as I'm is it so crazy? As we grow older women live longer than men. Why don't we women make the plans for the future? I would like to build and I have this dream. I have a million people ready to sign up for me. I would like to take the leadership. I'll find three places. I'll start with three sites around the country maybe someplace like Tucson you were someplace like here in this beautiful state or the Maine coast line someplace, maybe the islands exotic down in the Virgin Islands and I would bring together all the women. I know who think like me who like to have fun. We like to have a drink at five o'clock who like to play Trivial Pursuit, maybe occasionally who like to dance and I'll say look at sign on with me right now Sinai with me. Give me ten fifteen thousand whatever let's begin to make investments. Let's buy places all of us who like to do the same things. We will spend our lives together in the end because our husbands are going to die on us it seems but if they don't think God if they don't they come with us, but why not bet on us because we live longer because we tend to be the organizers. Let us build together and now well you're 43 Why not not worry about whether the marriage is going to stay together or should or whether he's going to die or not? Why don't we instead just make decisions now that will have a group that we love being together move around the country because we're all like to travel and then in our 40s and 50s we can make such good decisions about our careers about our kids about a relationships because we're not afraid of being alone in the end. We see never to want to build the configurations to take care of our fears. We're still thinking in the same old linear ways the same old nuclear family ways when it's not working someday someday, you know when I find enough Bankers to support me and I become the general contractor. I'm going to be I'm going to build those places. I'll look for you to sell them. Anyway, the world is not in such great shape to women. I want to give one last message and that is if we choose to lead Our Lives differently. I leave my life very differently. I've lived in about six or seven different places. I've had about 12 different careers. I have raised two teenage daughters I have Been married for 16 years and I have been commuting to my home on weekends for the last six years. It is very different life. Am I tired you but I am sometimes am I afraid no way I am. Absolutely Fearless. I've tried everything. I have learned. I have to live my life very differently. I'm not like the rest and just to say that in one small way in to accept it is a very hard thing to do, but I'm not trying to fit this mold anymore. I'm raising my children in a different way. My husband and I have very different are very different people and we have changed roles in different ways and it's working out it's going to work and I'm deciding it's going to work and one of the reasons it does is because I've convinced myself to take my skills that I learned from my jobs. From my readings and apply them most importantly than any other place to my home. I am so frustrated at watching some of the best managers in the world go home and deal with her children and just completely dismiss everything they know about managing people. It's as if it doesn't even exist that they leave everything at the office all their insights on how to motivate people how to reinforce people how to how to make people out of how to make people feel good about themselves. Human potential leave it right at the office go home and say will you do that for treating their kids their kids and just a completely different way women, especially we feel so much guilt about what we're doing in our offices instead of our homes if we could just learn to take those skills from the office and bring them home. Our children will benefit so much from that if we also learn that if I'm in the work world and it is important to me and it obviously is I'm making a very real statement to my children and they'll know that as they grow older even more what kind of a statement I'm making about my life. I must bring my children and to share my values because they're obviously different and I do I bring my children to my workplace. I will hire them I have doing every job I've ever had I make sure if I'm not home on Wednesday night teach him how to make chocolate chip cookies. I damn well better be showing them how I do an interview how I talk on the phone. How do I write a letter how I try to organize how I try to develop a policy and make it work. I talked to him about these things because I know they're not getting something else from me. So I must give us substitute. I can't expect it'll be okay. It'll be the vacuum of me not being in the home if these are important values to me and this goes for men and women, then you should share these values with the children not by osmosis, but by saying Billy you the husband comes home from work to say Billy. You don't today. I had an interesting experience. I had a guy come in they did this in this and I said that and I want to quit on me would you do dead? Well, I have to think it through this way. How do you think about how valuable he was the organization? I had to think about could I do better without him? I had to think about his life where he was and why he was saying what he was saying and you don't really begin to think about why he said it and I began to think about what I'd been hearing about the problems. He was having at home. His wife was an alcoholic and I realized what he was doing was not the I was just singing a superficial reaction to something was much bigger and I decided bill it wasn't that important that I increase my sales this year as much as was I should probably help this person and so I didn't let him go and I realized and I made him talk to me about what's going on. And I think he felt a little better and I think I'm going to get a productive guy out of it. I think maybe we can help with got a program I think and help them. Can you imagine if you women you men went home and said that to your teenage son at first he might want might not want to listen these. Oh, I don't hear about your work. But then again there's such a trust. You're such a Julie was an individual. I'm Julia. I'm sharing something with you that's important to me. I'm thinking out loud and I want to do it with you. Any kid gets that message that is so important. It is so important to a young person. It says 90 I dead does he does now? I know why Mom does what she does and I see how she does a pretty well that was good. I guess I kind of like to be like that. So all I'm saying is take those skills. Don't be afraid to include your children in your work world. If your work World excludes your children and I urge you all to join me in the risk-taking. It's really it's the scariest but the best way to Know yourself before you take any risk, you know the question to ask is what's the worst that could happen? And if you write it down you find out that it really isn't so awful. You should always ask yourself, you know, what's the worst that could happen and then you'll find the next question pops up when you stopped from doing something often when you try to fill that power vacuum, you stop no I shouldn't do that is a question. You should ask yourself and that is who told you know. Somebody inside always tells, you know, you better understand their it's inside all of us. We don't know who that person is, but it stops us from doing a lot of things that would help us help others make us feel better make us less fearful. So give her the who told you no find out who said no, and then get on with it ask yourself. What's the worst could happen? It's really not so bad. I urge you to join me in the game it of risk. It is really very wonderful experience, and you've been wonderful intended. Thank you.