As part of KCCM's Home for the Weekend series, this program examines the American family, with a focus on couple relationships. Interviewed are married couple Mike and Alice Olson, who discuss definitions of roles in their relationship. Also includes musical segments, and readings.
Read the Text Transcription of the Audio.
Call Dad cell. Welcome home for the weekend. Time to relax enjoy conversation with friends and talk of things. We don't get around to during the week which affect our lives none the less. There's nothing you can do. nothing Pedro Is the red thing? Just a little too free. sweet Well, that may be a nice sentiment there's more to a relationship than romance. And that's what we talking about today in the past few weeks. We've talked with men women and children. What's today? We're going to bring them together and see how they get along. I'm Marsha Alpha seems like every time you pick up a magazine these days are some article about relationships never even the specialized magazines the deal with singles and couples. And so today we're going to talk again with Alice and Mike Olson from Fargo. We've heard them talking about their respective roles as a man and a woman and now we're going to hear about the role isn't in relationship and marriage relationship. So many times we here either romantic ideas about people getting along together or we hear about the terrors in the horrors of it divorce and other unpleasantries. I think Mike and Alice represented a good relationship seem to get along really well and they're surprisingly open and I think people will be surprised that two people will talk. So openly about a marriage to a to a large audience. Alex you've been married for it'll be 9 years in September. What kind of qualities were you looking for? What made you choose your husband or I just want to get married so bad. I could taste it. You know, I'm sure that's all it was was just driven first three years of high school. I didn't have dates except Sadie Hawkins right when you ask them or once or twice. I think I had other days for homecoming or something. But but in my junior year in high school, most of the women most of the most of the people in my social set when I was in high school repairing off, right and I didn't have anyone to pair off with that was all part of my being aggressive rather than passive and I think and I think I wasn't very appealing to men because I tended to overpower them but Anyway, I I I was by the time I was a senior in high school. I was just frantic to have a steady boyfriend and when I got one which happened almost immediately at the beginning of my senior year. I was just hanging on for dear life, you know, and I and I did and I misrepresented myself to Michael I said that things weren't important to me that in fact were like, I went to a student council convention when I came home I said it was I had a lousy time because he feel bad if he knew that I had a good time without it. Right and I had a wonderful time. It was really great weekend. And so for my whole senior year of high school Michael and I went together and to my freshman year in college and then we broke up and I was I was getting into I was in a sorority and in college and I was getting into going to keg parties with fraternities and and and kind of expand of experimenting around with guys and at that time I was I was really attracted to men who are the who are physically very masculine and also very good looking, you know, and I looked for those kind of things but Mike and I saw each other again that the summer after freshman year of college and got married that September and and and it's been it's it's been a long row to hoe, but I but it's all been worried that I think Michael is Matt had to make a lot more changes than I have because what I did as well as the years went by or actually the the very early years of our marriage or maybe months of our marriage. I began stripping away the facade that you know that I put up in order to in order to track Michael in order not to I'm scared him away, I guess and and became more and more of myself with him and he just had to keep adjusting to that, you know. And realizing that that the things that I'd said word important really worried important and that if he was going to let you know that if we were going to make it he was going to have to allow room for them. And I think when we were first married Mike was like Mike was pretty jealous and pretty possessive and that's all changed, you know, so that so that we do kind of live in a we do have a lot more of our own lives then we used to have or they took everything we had when we were going together in and even in the first few years of my marriage he was he was quite perturbed even about about me spending evenings out with with women friend, you know that you worked evenings and and and it was it was like he had to be at work. So I shouldn't be having fun, you know, it was like that at and that kind of thing is all faded away. And I mean not that we've got an ideal relationship now, we still have things to work out from time to time. But but I think we're much more honest with each other now than we were then and what I look for in men now really is tivity and and and and an inability to let women Beginning to be somehow full in themselves and also and also quietness. I really don't like loud man. I don't like aggressive man. I don't like none of that. I don't like insecure man, and I see loudest and aggressiveness is being signs of insecurity. You know, I'm so so I like men who are secure in themselves, like interesting a four sisters and and we have all married men who are alike in personality and what those personality trait that the personality traits that they share our are being sure of themselves and end and not having to prove themselves either to their wives or to their children or to the people around them and not aggressive man in there. Not loud men in there and I like them all. I like all my brothers-in-law you no idea. I think they're really they're really great. I and I like men like them. I really got married young as 19 or 20. I can't remember is just out of high school. What a dub monster was I'd say that I'm lucky. I know a lot of people my that got married when they're my age and boy, they they weren't ready and I'm not I don't think I probably was either but somehow We just worked it out then then pretty soon and everything kind of fell into place and and we were pretty lucky but I'm afraid to be perfectly honest. It wasn't a real calculated maneuver. I mainly just two we went together in high school. And when I got out of high school at some point, we just got married and and fortunately apparently we do. Get along pretty good because it's been 9 years, you know and everything seems to be going pretty smoothly but it could have it. I think it was mostly an accident. So you mentioned that you had to overcome some things. I wonder what those were. but one of the things I know I know that the reason I did the I respect Alison and I liked her and everything was because she was I mean she wasn't just this. Little high school girl that there is no mind of her. I mean, you know, she was a real person. She had her own ideas what she wanted to do and she was She's pretty strong person really and and that was good. But then accorsi I really was a victim of the whole stereotype thing and then when we did get married Even though I think I was willing to pull my weight around house and things like that. I always did kind of have this notion that she was responsible for the kids in the house and things like that. And then maybe she shouldn't be she was she's really active in politics and and different things and I thought we really had a we had a couple crises early when when she was spending a lot of time on things that she really thought was important and I backed her on it. But if she were to do that then I had to Really do a lot more. I realize going to school and then we had to take care of the house and the kids and she's running around in meetings and stuff. And this was in 68 and and it got pretty tense for a while, but they eventually, you know, I we both made some changes obviously, but mostly I just had to realize that that we had to try and go with we try and go 55th. We trying to be logical and this whole thing. We trying each carry a certain amount of white. She's more active in some things and I am so then maybe I maybe I do a little bit more on here, but I think that's what she's doing is important. So I support her in that way and then and she supports me another way to me. So what are some of the qualities that you've developed some things that you really appreciate? Stuff to do this to pick out words. I mean it. Cousin relationship is a pretty complex. It's pretty hard to reduce it or is it Snips Traction in the way and yet there are some things that are pretty important in a relationship. Even though she is a very active person and everything. I I think she's you know. She's a good a good mother which is important. I mean, you know, she gets along good with the kids and she walk and of course she gets so we get along fine. I mean, she's a she's just a I've quite a strong person and I really admire that her abilities and organizing people and and like she's like I say, it's been hacked and just as how I thought she's going to law school next year just pop out of nowhere, but not out of nowhere, but just has a courage to just stop in and take off and try and handle Law School. I'm impressed. You know, I just think that she's that she's just really an active person and I get to enjoy that. Actually, she's much more active than I am. I am one of these bumps on a log and all your even though I'm I may be very strongly in favor of something. I'll sit back and wait for somebody else to do it. And that's why I I admire her because she goes out and does it say and then therefore I can say that I'm doing my part by just being Pleasant through the whole thing and then maybe doing a little bit more around the house taking care of the kids things like that, but the I don't know that it's it's really as hard to describe. We just seem to get along. I'm going to law school this fall and and with another man. I might not be able to do that. But because of the way our relationship has developed over over all of these years. I feel secure in my relationship with Michael and answered and secure enough in myself me and gives me enough to have confidence to think that I can make it and and some other relationship might not give me that kind of confidence when you go to law school. What kind of adjustments are you in Michael and the children going to have to make you think said it's not going to be any big deal and I really think I'm not secure, right? I'm planning to be away from home about three nights a week. Well, I think a lot of it'll be mental adjustment, you know, like last year I was teaching and I came home from school at 5 in the afternoon and the kids went to bed at 8 at night. So we had three hours together. Maybe when we were both so tired of him, we were all so tired because I understand that I've been teaching all day. I've been in room with 80 children for 6 hours, you know, and and And so we come together at 5 in the afternoon when they should have been napping when I was too tired to cook and and we didn't, you know, maybe get something to eat and maybe and I'll fix peanut butter sandwiches who knows, you know, and in the end I'd fight them to bed at 8 and then I just kind of collapsed. So that was 3 hours. So 3 days a week. We won't have those three hours next year. That's what it amounts to but I'm not sure how valuable those three hours were to begin with but the other question is when I'm you know, but when they go to bed at night, they're going to know that I'm not in the house. At if I'm staying in Grand Forks those three nights a week, and I don't know what that means to them last year and she wrote A Mother's Day card for me at school. They they made a booklet the whole class made a book that where they wrote about their mother what answered one of the things that and she said in there, but what she said was it was why or what my mother means to me or something, you know is supposed to be a problem for me and she said my mother is very important to me and how she teaches me right from Ron she went when she goes away. I wish you'd come back when I go to bed at night. I know that she's across the hall and I feel safe. All right. So the excuses she's not going to know that he or she's going to know I'm not across the hall and so I don't know what kind of adjustments is going to mean to the kids in terms of their security. But I'd with Michael it's going to mean a lot more responsibility for the for the children. He's always taking a lot of responsibility for the children. I've worked almost all of our married life and either worked or going to school or both and so is he and we really share the responsibility for the children needs much better at taking care of the house than I am is, you know, he cares that the living room be clean so he cleans it and I don't care so I don't want to know that kind of thing does not mean him doing any more housework than he used to do because he always has done most of it and but it is going to be the kind of psychological. I suppose a psychological responsibility for the kids that that I that I think I have one a greater share of than he I don't know. I just don't know. I don't know what it's going to mean might I expect that that that it's going to that law school is going to drain a lot of my energy and invite both physical and and and psychic energies going to be drained by that studies. So I haven't not have as much to give to this family next year as I've had to give him the past, but but But I do know I trust it will make it you know, why cuz you know when I ask Mike when they just just quite recently like a month ago. I was going through this all guys we won't make it how we ever going to do it and I told him I don't think I realized, you know, can I relationship survive law school? And he said what how could you ever wonder? You know what I mean? What do you mean? What if you can make at least one who's going to who's going to Bear the brunt of it? Not me. I'm going to be gallivanting off to Grand Forks a sheriff over the password won't be working. I won't be bringing in any money. I'll be spending money. You know that I'm not bringing in which will be a change that don't that might be a problem for me. I've always wanted to have money in it and I always get to get to be kind of hard to get along with when I don't have money, but I can't just freely go out and spend a dollar if I want to spend a dollar so that might be a problem for me, you know. We won't be as financially set as we have been over the last couple years and I made $6,500 last year and we won't be making that this year besides the fact that we'll be spending the money for my tuition and transportation in my room and board and all that. So that's going to be a strain but I think finances are real important part of a of a marital relationship with and somehow you've got to get that all worked out or you're not going to make it thinner. Amazingly or all of our interests aren't the same. We actually have quite a different set of friends. Although I mean, we we certainly have a lot of common friends, but then she has her own friends and I have my own friends and I'm Much more interested in athletics and I like to go although she has developed that and she's more than politics and movies all that's a gas and Hassell. She wants to go out every movie that comes to town and I can go to about 1 a month and I'm happy and all but This is something that we worked out. I don't know. It just works. You try consciously to develop an interest in the others activities or does this you do you just respect the fact that you're different in those areas and in to force it would be to create some kind of friction. I Know chords to mostly we've gone through that already cuz like I said, it's been 9 years. I think that we've been married in and saw this is mostly all happened, but I know at the beginning yes, it was a very conscious effort to Like I said, I'm not anti theater or movies or anything like that, but it just seemed to me like there's other things. I'd rather do it. So yeah, I found myself saying well, this is X number of times a month I'm going to do I am going to just make the decision that I will do this. You know, how many eventually Corzine you do the more, you know, I go to plays for example of Ms. Or the FM Community Theater in at first I didn't really want to go but they're always good. So no. Yes, I have. Adjust my interests of changed to match hers at least somewhat in on same with sports with her she didn't care for. Basketball or she's she like these things a little bit but like she'd rather go to a movie then go to a basketball game. Well, I think she must have consciously decided that well, at least so many times, you know some percentage of the time all Willfully without complaining go to the basketball game and then pretty soon now she's kind of a pretty good basketball fan. We go. Just out of the Clear Blue Sky, of course, I don't get off that many nice. But if I'm off, you know, we very well might just go to a basketball game. So these are both card players which helps I mean we've developed and we both changed but And maybe I'd say you have to do it consciously. Does this other fact that you each have your own interest is that compliment and perhaps give you each a little independence from each other to do you think that's important? They are? He has to hit a pretty good balancer. But like I think we're much better off and say a lot of other people that I know because we are independent and like for a long time we've she's work days and I work nights. and and I don't think you have to I've seen people it just gets smothered in there in a marriage and all they dirty do they do see too much of each other and I don't care how well you get along or how you can carry this thing too far, you know, and I think we've hit we may be gone a little bit too far the other way sometimes I mean not on purpose but just because like she was teaching last year and I was working nights and it got to be so where we didn't see each other as often as we should maybe you know, but the fact that Yeah, I thought I think it's a good thing that we're both. We are independent diamond and she does what she wants and there's absolutely no problem there at all. Like she has different activities and different friends when I'm working. I did I did this doesn't bother me and I think the same is true during the day I have things going on at that. She's not involved in and it doesn't bother her and and I think it helps to have some outside the independent activities and interests and friends no matter how good you are together or how close you might do. You still feel you need a little space and Aaron and your own independence, I think you do. Like I say if it can go to you know, what kid, it can get pretty tense if if it's involuntary and in because of our work schedules, we just didn't see each other at all. What's happened for a long time and then next year maybe another challenge if she's in law school and even when she's home I imagine she's going to be busy and she's got studying to do and stuff and and is so it's a constant. Challenge but I think we spent know I like them nights. I do we spend most of our time when we can be together. We spend it together and the rest of time we don't worry about it we go about doing our other things and it seems to work pretty good. That was Mike and Alice Olson of Fargo Mary. Ann Pryor is on the faculty of Morehead State College and she has written an interesting poem about a relationship. The poem I'm going to read has to do with the the current discussions between men and women about their proper roles in life. And in marriage What's the title of it is your love is not. In a way, I think it's a love poem though. Your love is not everything your love is not even enough. I think I could love you forever, but not perpetually. Tell me about the house you built the child. You told algebra the concerto you composed the vaccine you discovered the prize Black Angus you raised and then shut up and let me tell you about the boat. I built the child. I taught Logic the free is I carve the tumor. I removed the bushels per acre. I raised and then shut up and listen. I think I could love you for breakfast dinner and supper but not all morning. Not all afternoon. I want a few hours off even lovers on call have a right to that. That was Mary Ann Pryor a poet an English Professor on the faculty of Morehead State College. When I get older losing my hair. Milan time Will you still need me? Will you still feed me? I could be having me Monday mornings go for a ride. Do you still need me still feed me? June Send me a postcard drop me a line. Beyonce 2015-16 You know Marcia fewer and fewer people according to the divorce rate will be celebrating anniversary at their 64th birthday a huge jump over the past ten or fifteen years that raises serious questions about the whole institution of marriage their number of writers who have address themselves to the subject Carl Rogers talks about different alternatives to marriage and there's a book on an open marriage and things like that. But now we're going to hear again from Alice and Mike Olson who are in a marriage that is working and they talked about the institution of marriage. I know I've read things that say that the future marriage is pretty bleak. The people are not into that kind of commitment anymore the commitment of marriage and children and future and things like that. You've been married for almost nine years what kinds of things have you had to go through? What kind of difficulties have you had and why have you gone through them? And I you know what your people like to eat there's a well I guess what I what I see happening in society in general is that that marriages is becoming an option and where before it was an obligation, and and I think that's really healthy. I don't I guess I don't like to think that marriage is dead as an institution. I like to see it changed a lot and I do think that marriage and family as we know them typically in this Society suppressor to everyone involved that that man have to work too hard at all souls and heart attacks and children can't grow as they might grow if they were just allowed to you know that there the day or the other kept too young and too dependent or push too hard to be independent and that and that women typically are not allowed to grow within within a marriage and family situation. So I like those things to change but maybe that piece of paper is really necessary to to make people work things out maybe the cultural stigma. Attached to divorce. I guess I'm just really confused about this whole thing because I think if if Michael and I were not subject to the pressures the social pressures of all religion, which was Catholic of our families, which were both traditionally Catholic of you know of our maybe of Valor. About our own feelings of what we look like to the to our to our peers in our peer pressure to make this marriage work. We wouldn't have done it. You know, maybe we would have separated a long time ago. Maybe we would have separated after the you know, the second big round, you know it whatever, you know, we would have made it and And I'm really glad we have, you know, it's been worth the struggle like you know what we're pretty happy now and I think we're both in a we are both both Michael and I and our children are in pretty good situations for you know for our own personal sounds in our own personal growth and we wouldn't know we might not be here if it hadn't been for that kind of pressure to stay together. And I think you know when older couples talk to their teenage children about about free love and how you know, and how it doesn't you know, it it just isn't right. It just doesn't work that there have to be a commitment. I'm not sure that they aren't really right. You know that the may be there does have to be a commitment and in order, you know in order for you to in order for a relationship to to reach some kind of fruition. You've just got to struggle through and something has to make you struggle and if it is a piece of paper if it's words Add an altar if it's fatal parents if it's social pressure, I don't know what but but but I think that this this deeper relationship this trusting a relationship as the one that Michael and I now share might not have developed any other way that I'm not sure that it does develop any other way, you know, I just don't know. I don't know. I don't know two people who have developed that kind of relationship outside of marriage now, that's not to say that that doesn't exist only to say that I don't know them. You know, I know a lot of young people who have lived together for a year or two years and have split with a lot of pain and a lot of Anguish as you know as Michael and I would have suffered pain and anguish Hedwig split 7 years ago, but if those two people who split had stayed together for another seven years, they might be where Mike and I are now, you know why that would be really great for them. Never be they might never Belong Together beginning but I don't know. I know I'm not for the destruction of monogamous relationships. Really, you know, I'm really not. I think they're important I think and I think my relationship with Michael is has been as is but certainly the most valuable relationship I have with anyone happy with it. We hear a lot about the fact that marriage might be passe now. I assume that you are of a different mind. I think it's because maybe we incorporate a lot of the things that people who feel that sunk a relationship other than marriage would be better. We incorporate some of the things that they like but that like this Independence think I think too many people think of marriage as well. You you get married and then that's it you're together. and you have to wipe out all these other interests and you and your just so close together that there's no room for anything else, you know, and and maybe these are the people who feel it married isn't the answer. Maybe that's that's look The View they have of marriage and I think that see where we got a much better deal than a much better. Thing going than what most people view Mary Jazz and that's why it's affected for us. So I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with the the institution of marriage itself. But that's it. It's got its developed to a point where I can see that it isn't good in a lot of cases. now we also have I imagine along with that idea of wow, an old marriage and there's just no, I don't know the technical terms, but They say children live red ladder heard a lot about the family may not be that type for children either. I mean cuz they just have these two adults that they have to relate to whether they like it or not. And there's nobody else in the family. So I think maybe really tend to isolate children to but we consciously tried to take care of that too. We have a a good friend of mine. I went to school with he he lives with us. I hate you know, he helps me more you could say he rents a room. But in fact he entertains in our living room and eats in our kitchen eats most meals with us and and he's great with the kids and they love them and we also have another and we've all all the time for the last four or five years. We've had people renting rooms or just staying with us. We've had several people that have just stayed with us for long periods of time. and I think I mean, there's nothing. What's the word? This is all on the up-and-up. I mean, there's no group sex or communal. I mean y'all could come in a living. Maybe you can call if you want to because we we all should live in the same house and we just have good experiences and relationships and I think it's great for the kids. And so therefore we're doing that we're doing some of these things I think that are important than are worthwhile. FN we're married and but you could do it with or without I guess. I don't know what kind of you kind of extend your family that way. And in that way again adding some more input into the into the family without an evidently sharing some of the responsibilities so that it isn't too heavy. This Lyle who lives with us. So he takes care of the kids and he helps out around here and hit desus one of the family, you know, he lived with us. We just moved into this house and he lived with us before and he just moved right along with us. I mean, I was just understood that he would and It's it's as really a good thing it. I can see where some people. Maybe that's all part of the whole marriage thing. If you if you're married, you have a family and you have this. Privacy of your family you you get especially here about people that they buy a house and they want this privacy and it's just them this the family. And maybe that's part of the whole marriage thing. But it. I don't think it has to be an end for us. We don't particularly want it to be so we just adjust. I don't know. It seems to me like you eat. There's another case just like sex roles. I think the stereotype is there of what the family so many people think the family should be and what marriage should be but it doesn't necessarily have to be that way. And if you want a marriage can still be a pretty workable thing, I think as long as you work at the round to your specifications, it sounds like a great deal of the tasks that might normally be oriented towards either female or male. Do you think that the sharing has helped prolong the length of your marriage whereas if you had both had definite strict duties that it might not have worked so well. Yeah, I'm sure that forces that if I had you know, there was a point in our marriage when I wasn't going to school. I had one year of college before we got married and I went to school little bit after we got married and then the kids came and I didn't go to school for about two years and I was going nuts. I mean, I really was reliving in 10 Hudson. NDSU win. The living rooms are 8 by 8 I think and I was in that house with two children all day, you know and and it was driving me batty and Michael saw that you know, and I said might not got to go to school and he said yeah, you've got to go to school so I did and and I suppose if I'd married to someone who said we can't afford for you to go to school. Someone's got to take care of the children because I'm going to school. I'm going to be an engineer and and I'm working at night to support you and you've got to stay home. I'm glad you would not have survived. But in fact what happened was Mike took fewer hours at school and I took a few hours at school and we both Worked and and we made it, you know, we share those things. So I suppose you know that anywhere along the line it might have, you know, it might have ended but At what? I think you know that increase in divorce rate my might be a kind of healthy healthy sign, you know that people are recognizing relationships that don't work and getting out of them to you know, so I you know, I got kind of mixed reactions to that. I mean, I think I mean that I know of marriages that I that I think I ought to be divorces, you know, because because neither of the neither of the parties is benefiting from the relationship, you know, and that and that there seems to be little or no hope that they might ever you don't grow enough to to come out of it. All right. So so, you know, I'm not opposed to divorce and I'm in at 8 on the night and I see increased divorce rate. So, you know, it's possibly healthy, you know, what types of people getting out of relationships that are that are really stifling or or or or psychologically harmful or physically harmful. I mean no people People staying in marriage is where there where they're beating their, you know, you're not as pretty as pretty horrendous eyes, you know, I think they had to get divorce. Where's Reza kind of social pressure that I was talking about earlier than that made us stay together might make people stay in a relationship is physically harmful to them. You know, I don't know. I'm not in that sense. I think I think maybe divorces, you know, it's good. It's it's a good thing that that that as a society where beginning to see that that That we don't always make the right choices first. Allison Michaelson of Fargo his cigarette living room High walk by no master bedroom My mother me. I hear call Sweet Pea. razor pen Find me. My friends from college they're all. they have their houses and then Silent Night Their children hate them. Send me a pic drink fail of clothes. raise you say that we can keep puppies playing in Hawaii save with solar tube but soon you can teach me. to be Justin Bieber Bye-bye. That was a song that talks about some of the doubts about getting into a marriage the fact that she's worried about the love staying alive after they're married. Well, there's someone in Moorhead who deals with the the bad aspects of marriage and that's mister. I see doll who's a marriage and family counselor in Morehead. Unfortunately these days there's an increasing number of people that are having trouble with their relationships and I think it's instructive to hear what somebody that deals with these kinds of problems has to say hopefully to give some inside and Help prevent some of those kinds of Stormy. Elizabeth 1 philosophy, which sounds Good as head of Virginia senators, and her idea of marriage is morning to get. One person will seek another person to fulfill their needs where they have a deficit. And find two people who apparently see you there. Emmett in the other person. And when I get married, they use her to find out that well, there is a still deficit that other person doesn't make up for all the things. I want to I feel I need and then they're angry because the other person has failed and every and we can tell these things we can see these things by looking at the personality. Actually. The computer is probably do a better mate selection, then we as humans do but of course we do not have that component call love. I love I think is also that condition and label we put on a relationship where we feel the other person is fulfilling something. We need running mate selection is much more scientific process and we are consciously aware of and we have some rather neurotic needs at times and we expect the other person fulfill those until I almost pushed people in to fulfill our needs sometimes. I don't even think we have to hear but then we blame become angry and reject the maid that doesn't fulfill our need. So it's a matter of of a person that isn't a whole person or two people that are only partially fulfilled coming together trying to make a hole far as they should behold begin with there is hole as possible brightness. Then the more complete the mitotic with the individual has the less demand a place on the other person. And of course this gets into another area which I think is very much tied in and that is one of the maids allowing the other one to be different. So many people think about different misses being separateness. And therefore they cut down on the other person's Freedom. You have to be what I want you to be in so that they curtail the other person's unique characteristics and they see it as a threat and then of course, it's a matter of demand. ticking away many of the unique characteristics and another person really have to be helped with of course we get in the power struggle and then the battle is on. What are the what is the basis for most power struggles? And why why if they be necessary? Well, I think Sid coming out of some basic characteristics of the human being we are selfish. We know what we want and we try to use other people to facilitate see fulfillment of them. And the threat to gets involved in somebody else has power. I love relationship is a threatening one as well as a rewarding one because if I love someone they have power over me because I got hurt me they can either give or withhold. And so that I have to protect myself so that I don't get hurt when I get into that position of being on them. And a lot of people of course use this. we use any tool we can use when we get into a power struggle orokin a situation which is threatening when it's that close that important to us and the emotional panda so we do all kinds of nasty things in order to maintain their own control and control over others. How do you account for the apparent increase in problems with marriage is the institution in trouble? solids in trouble in a way But there is a trouble as I think I'm out of perhaps some healthy aspects of it. The Changing Times in a way the situation with women much greater Mobility much greater opportunity to function independently and not dependent on marriage for survival. career women Customs we do not serve. I did not find that there was a lot of room for a career for a woman because she belonged in the home in a sense. And now we're changing women one careers. Sometimes men find this threatening. So that they resist that again denying freedom in the uniqueness of the other person. Then I think said to use with which we can go into and how to merge adds to some of the problem. We find marriage termination much easier. It becomes there for more used solution. The problems we got Alternatives we can struggle with the problems. We can work we could grow or we can sometimes take the easy way out if you're not going to do it my way. I'm going to get out. and so many benefactors, but at the same time, I think that we Can I have healthier marriages because of some of the Prairie? Things that are made in the marriage institution seemingly threatened. That was Mister, I see doll a marriage counselor in Morehead and a member of The Faculty of Concordia College Thanks for being with us on home for the weekend. Next week will hear a lecture given by Tom McGrath on the movie at the end of the world Poets of the Great Plains. You're not a dream. You're not an angel. You're a man. I'm not a queen. I'm a woman take my ass. will make a space in the lot that we and he will stay until it's time for you to go. Yes with different worlds apart. We're not the same. We love to play at the start liking again. You could have stayed outside my heart put in UK. And here you'll stay until it's done. donut wall donut love me love this love of mine and no beginning. It has no end. I wasn't no now. I know I can. in the wild still out today until it's time for you to go. donut don't love me. I'm not a queen. I'm a woman take my head will make a space in the Lord and He will stay until it's gone. Thanks for everything. Well, let you come out. Her today on home for the weekend where Allison Michaels and Mary Ann Pryor and I see doll home for the weekend is hosted and produced by Marsha Oliver and Bill C Marine audio engineering by Steve terhaar home for the weekend is made possible by grants from The Corporation for Public Broadcasting and the Lutheran Brotherhood fraternal Insurance Society.